untitled (for now...)

by ultragirl

Okay, this fic is based on the recent happenings in the Superman comics, but I leave it under the Lois and Clark section because it's got more of a Lois and Clark (emotional stuff) feel to it. I hope you like it...I do!

Ah yes. The minor details. Actually, the major details. :) Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Superman, yadda yadda yadda aren't mine. (Sorry if I'm not brilliant enought to come up with this stuff...yet!) No copyright ingringement intended.

*****

Pain.

It's all I know now.

Blind pain.

It's all I've ever known.

Searing pain.

It's all I'll ever know.

All-consuming pain.

I want to die.

Killing pain.

*****

Pain.

It's all I've known for so long.

Blind pain.

It's all I've know since you left me, Lois.

Searing pain.

Why won't you come back to me, Lois?

All-consuming pain.

Do you hate me so much?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

Killing pain.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I were dead.

*****

I hold the photo of us together tenderly. I'm afraid I might crush it...like I crushed us.

Did I, Lois? Did I crush us? Was I so callous that I didn't realize what I was doing? Was I so self-absorbed not to see that you needed me? Did I crush us? Did I, Lois?

I don't know what to think anymore. Not a day goes by that I didn't wish you would come back through our door, shining like the ray of hope you are to me. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for you to see how much I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't beg God, Allah, Budda, whoever...you...for you to look at me again. Not a day goes by.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about death. Death...your death, my death, the death of our friends, the death of those strangers I save every single day. It's almost as bad as you being dead. Almost...but not quite. I think it's worse than that. Or maybe not...I just don't know anymore. I can't feel you anymore. Maybe that's what it'll be like when you're gone, and I'm alone again. I feel like I've lost you...like I've lost my whole self. Forget my better half, you're all of me. You're my whole life. You're the very breath in my lungs...and I can't feel you.

I wonder what I'd do if all our friends were dead. If my parents were dead. What would I do? Who would be there to save me? Who would be there to keep me going? Who would be there to keep me alive? What would I do if they were gone? I'd pray for it all to be over very, very soon. I'd wish I were dead too.

I want to die, you know. I want to. Every night, before I fall asleep, I wonder if I could ever do it, if I could. When I talk to a person who wants to commit suicide? When I talk to him or her, and talk him or her out of it, steer them from the edge of that cold abyss, I wonder who would talk me down from the top of an apartment building, a bridge, a gun, the moon. I wonder why- how -I can get that suicide attempt to safety, while at the same time I'm wishing I could kill myself just as easily as anyone normal could. And then there'd be no one to talk me down, no one to save me. No one would bother. Would anyone even care? I wish I knew.

Do you still care, Lois? If I died, would you care? Would you even notice? Only you know the answers to those questions. I used to entertain the notion that you would die, too, if I died...not that I would ever wish that upon you. Maybe you wouldn't die physically, but spiritually. But now I'm not so sure. You never call, you never write, you don't even ask me to come visit you. In fact, I wonder if you despise the short times when I come to see you, to talk to you, in...wherever you may be. I remember, when you were in Egypt, and I came to visit you? I remember that I kissed you...I thought you were enjoying yourself, that you wanted the kiss, that you wanted me, that you needed me. And then you said something about Luthor...I hit only your cheek rather than your lips. I'll never forget that, Lois. I'll never forget that Lex Luthor was on your mind when I was going to kiss you. I'll never forget how I missed that warm, tender contact. I'll never forget how invisible I felt. I'll never forget, Lois. Never. Even if you come back to me, I'll never forget how you ignored me for Luthor...of all people.

Why, Lois? Why are you doing this? Why are you running away? Even if you did try to explain, I'd never understand. I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted me. I thought you needed me.

I need you, Lois.

Why are you running, Lois? You'll never be able to get away from me, you know that. Even if I wanted you to get away from me, we both know you couldn't. I'll always be there, in the background...or the foreground. I'll always be Superman. And Superman will always be nearby. Always there. Always with you. In spirit, at least.

I'll never understand. I'll never forget all those times when you ignored me, right when I needed you the most. Couldn't you see that? I know you're hurting, but so am I! Can't you see that?! I need you here with me, comforting me, holding me, loving me. And how can you help me- how can I help you -if you keep running away? Tell me, Lois. Make me understand. Otherwise all that will be accomplished will be nothing.

No, not nothing. Plenty. All that will be reaped will be hatred, pain, loneliness, anger, hostility, aloofness, despair, maybe even death. And how will that help either of us, Lois? Tell me, tell me.

to be continued...

Make your own free website on Tripod.com